How to Be Vulnerable Without Being Needy in a Relationship

Clay Andrews discusses how to be vulnerable without being needy in a relationship. If you want to learn more about how to upgrade your “love operating system” check out our free on demand training over at:


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Learning how to be vulnerable in a relationship can be scary. Especially if you are concerned about coming off as needy.

But what exactly is the difference between being needy and being vulnerable in a relationship?

There is a BIG difference between being needy and being vulnerable. This applies to both men and women, and not understanding this distinction can cause a lot of people to think that they need to hide how they actually feel.

You see there are really two types of vulnerability.

There is positive vulnerability and negative vulnerability.

Negative vulnerability is where you share your thoughts, feelings, and desires, but you use someone else as a means to an end to try to get what you want.

In that respect, confessing to someone that you would never be happy unless you were in a relationship with them, for example, is indeed vulnerable, but it is also very needy.

You are not acknowledging the other person’s emotional state or what they want. In essence you are saying, “I don’t care how you feel. I want to feel good, and I think that being in a relationship with you is a good way for me to feel this way, therefore, I will use you as a means to an end of feeling good.”

That’s needy.

That doesn’t feel good to other people.

And it makes them want to pull away

On the other hand, positive vulnerability is completely different and it can create a strong connection.

Positive vulnerability in relationships happens when you take responsibility for your own emotions and your own desires rather than offloading them on to someone else and making that other person responsible for your emotional wellbeing.

An example of this might be telling someone that you love the feeling of connecting with them.

This takes complete ownership for your own emotional state and it doesn’t offload it on the other person.

This is a much better way to express vulnerability rather than making someone else responsible for your emotions.

And this definitely does not come off as needy.

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